I moved back to Nashville two years ago today… Thursday, October 30, 2008. I was on the back-end of a season of my life that ended much differently than I thought it would. This particular season concluded with me staying with a friend in Dallas for 2 months, while all my stuff was in storage in Houston, tyring to figure out what was next for me.
I still vividly remember the series of events that led to my decision to return to Nashville… every lunch meeting, every phone call, every serendipitous and seemingly chance encounter and conversation… they all remain fresh.
Standing where I do now and reflecting, I know that my decision to move back to Nashville, after spending the previous almost 4 years in Texas, was driven primarily by my fear of failure and the idolatry of success and approval in my heart. I didn’t know who to be apart from what I had been a part of. I had been “somebody” and had to keep the momentum going. I am thankful for everything I was able to be a part of in my music industry career, but I am not proud of who I became as a result. I know that while my professional ambitions may have had my heart scribbling notes of perceived significance, God was writing a greater story all the while, allowing me to walk a broken road and find Him.
After 16 hours on the road, I pulled into Nashville late in the evening of October 30, 2008 with a U-Haul filled with all my stuff and a heart filled with the hope that this would be my chance to really find and prove myself.
Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails. – Proverbs 19:21
What I didn’t realize then was that in all my attempts to “find myself”, I actually lost myself. It has only been through the breaking and reconstructing of my heart this year that I discovered God in a way I never had before, and as a result I found that I could let go of who I thought I had to be. Once I started learning how to let that go, I began to discover who I really was and how prone my heart is to bow to anything but Jesus.
If you grasp and cling to life on your terms, you’ll lose it. But if you let that life go, you’ll get life on God’s terms. – Luke 17:33
My journey looks nothing like what I thought it would, but I am thankful for every single broken, fearful, uncertain moment that has forced me to wrestle with my heart and fight for my identity. God bless the broken road, indeed.