rebuild in progress

Rebuild In Progress…

This morning I was going to town on my Macbook Pro… reading blogs, writing blogs, checking Twitter, replying to emails, listening to the new Carlos Whittaker record, you know… just multi-taking like a boss in general. All of a sudden, everything kind of slowed down and a screen popped up that informed me “there is a problem with your main identity.” (an ‘identity’ is a personal profile in Entourage that houses all your info, settings and preferences, and personalizes your experience with Microsoft Office for Mac)

I was given the option to “verify database integrity” or ignore and close.  Selecting to “verify database integrity” would check for database corruption. If problems were found, I can then choose to rebuild the database or not.  Ignoring the issue and closing would be a quick fix to get me back to the task at hand, but it would not fix what was actually wrong.

I selected “verify database integrity” and it started doing it’s thing. It took quite a long time.  Finally, the verification was complete and it confirmed that indeed, problems were found with my database.  From there, I could choose to “Rebuild” the database, or “exit without rebuilding.”  I knew there was a problem, but had to make a choice.  What was I do to?

As soon as I clicked “Rebuild”, the next screen said “Rebuild In Progress…”, stuck there, and it hit me like a ton of bricks…

It was a little over a year ago when the screen popped up on my life, informing me there was a “problem with my main identity.”  The following 9 months were certainly a verification process, identifying problem areas.  Finally, earlier this year, after months of status checking, it was revealed that indeed there was a database issue

bad inputs…

wrong outputs…

improper file paths…

problems with my contacts…

objects pointing to the wrong source…

Once I realized there was a problem, I had a choice to make.  I could choose to “ignore and close”. I could have kept going, knowing about the problem, but functioning a partial power.  Instead, I chose to “rebuild”.

It has been almost 4 months now and in a lot of ways, I feel like my screen has been stuck on “Rebuild in progress…”.   Some days I am encouraged when I see marked progress and growth, while other days feel like this season is going to last forever.  Yeah, “dot, dot, dot” indeed.

This Sunday at Cross Point, Pete was talking about waiting on God.  He talked about the story of Lazarus and how Lazarus’ sister, Martha had confronted Jesus when he finally arrived after Lazarus had been dead four days.  “Lord,” Martha said to Jesus, “if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” (John 11:21)  Here we find Martha putting her hope in Jesus’ “activity” rather than in His “identity”.  It would have been worth more to Martha for Jesus to show up and heal Lazarus when he was sick, but Jesus knew the real worth was in who he WAS, not what he DID.

In recounting this story, Pete made the following point:

“God will allow suffering, pain and crisis in order to detach hope from other things and attach it to himself.”

In Martha’s case, Jesus wanted her hope detached from his action, and attached to his person; detached from from his activity, and attached to his identity. The vehicle he allowed to get her there was suffering and pain.

In my case, God wanted my hope detached from finding my identity in my career, and attached to the cross; detached from “doing” and attached to “being”. The vehicle he has allowed to get me there has been disappointment and crisis.

In the very next verse, Martha then confesses, “but I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask.” (John 11:17-22)

She chose.  She didn’t choose to ignore, exit and live in a place of pain, attached to a shattered dream.  She chose to rebuild; to rebuild with a hope attached to who Jesus was, not what he did.

All of this reminds me that change is a choice.

There are many things in life that corrupt our “main identity.”  It is so easy to find ourselves wandering, drifting, looking for another savior.  Sure, you don’t set out to do it, but before you know it, you look up and have database issues that have corrupted your info, settings and preferences.  You say you want God, but you really want what you think he can give you.  Or maybe you don’t even want God at all, or at least not nearly as much as you want a family, a beach body or the corner office at work.

Once we become aware there is a problem, we are also presented with the opportunity to choose. We have a choice to rebuild.  Ignoring, exiting and avoiding the situation is a quick fix, but it is no real solution. Rebuilding is a process, sometimes a long one.  Rebuilding speaks to fixing holes in the foundation.

Pete also said this week, “is is possible that you will live out your deepest and truest purpose not by doing, but by waiting?”  Wow.  Your character is revealed in the choices you make in the waiting… in the middle… in the rebuilding.  This goes hand in hand with what he said last week, “the value in your shattered dream is more about who you’re becoming than where you’re going.”

Rebuilding is not just a single choice, but a series of consistent choices which point to a desired result or destination.  The fact is, whether you are aware of it or not, you are choosing SOMETHING right now.  What are you choosing?

Want to change?  Choose.
Later today when doubt grips your heart, choose again.
When you wake up tomorrow and feel alone, choose again.
Tomorrow afternoon, when you are tempted to despair, choose again.

You may be tempted to click “done” right now and move to a place of avoidance, but let me encourage you to fight.  Choose to rebuild.  Maybe your rebuild is taking longer than you thought it would, the status bar is creeping and you’re about to click “cancel.”  Don’t. Rebuilding is a fight… every… single… day.  It is the fight of your life, but it is worth it.  You must choose.

Is your “Rebuild in progress…”?  What are you choosing?


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Grant JenkinsRebuild In Progress…
45 comments
Kristy Wes
Kristy Wes

Wow.  This 2+yr old post was exactly what I needed to read *today.*  That Martha verse is going to be my 'mull-over' one for awhile, I think, as I look at turning indictment to faith & hope.

 

Thanks.

Carol
Carol

Powerful stuff, Grant. Thanks for the reminder that I need to rebuild every day. God is at work, but not in the way I imagine it...

Beth Coulton
Beth Coulton

This is a truly moving, inspiring post. Absolutely amazing. Thanks for your vulnerability and your wise teaching. I needed to hear this today, and so do others in my life. I will be passing this on.

And I agree with Lauren on the second comment above...I think I can write, and then I read something like this. Awesome. Thank you.

ineffablegod
ineffablegod

bro, your posts always strike a chord within me...in a good way. I needed to read this today. Sometimes rebuilding can be hard because it takes such a long time, but as you said there is beauty in this restoration period where we let go and let God. In small group, we talked about the parable of the persistent widow, and how she didn't give up with her plea to the unjust judge. That's how it is for me in the rebuilding process..it's about staying strong and believing that God is always faithful.

patricia
patricia

sucker punch.
My recent post 4.23.10 cest la vie.

Andie Wright
Andie Wright

Oh Wow! I just stumbled my way onto your blog by way of two or three other blogs. This was beautifully and powerfully written, Thank You! About 2 years ago, I walked away from my last church and have been searching for a new one ever since. At the same time, the family I work for had a new baby and my work seemed to be taking over my life. I am still with them, but we did have a major sit down a few weeks ago. There are new boundaries in place. At the same time a relative's death forced me to deal with all the feelings I had bottled up since a friend died two months prior and in one weekend it all came crashing down. I spent and entire weekend in uncontrollable sobs and I HATED it! I find comfort in being strong and capable, as a single girl I have never wanted to be "needy"... I much prefer to be the one others come to and help. I am great at helping. If someone needs comfort I am quick to lend a shoulder or bake their favorite treat. If they're sick I whip up some homemade soup. I genuinely love to give and it gives me great joy to take care of my friends.

The Monday following that weekend I was talking to one of my girlfriends and telling her about all that had been going on. She shared that she was so glad she could be the one to help me and then turned me towards her church-- Crosspoint. I marvel at all that has happened in just a few weeks. The blogs and sermons I have found that speak right to the heart of me. It has been amazing. It is also nice to know I am not the only one going through a major life and focus readjustment. Your post was brilliant and exactly what I needed to hear.

Manda
Manda

First time here. It will not be my last.
Your words have weight and depth. They challenge me to self-examine my own heart, which is something God has been doing this past year. I've never felt so destroyed by the Holy Spirit, as I have over the course of these 12 months.
Painful but worth it. Growth requires pain, does it not?
Thanks again !
~Manda (I drive a Green Honda Element named Frog and I am all Mac ~ Frog even has an Apple sticker in the bottom left corner of the back window) =)

maestas
maestas

great post grant!! at least you didn't get "object reference set to an instance of an object" then who knows what to do ;)
My recent post I’m pulling my courage out once again

jennyrain
jennyrain

oh.my.stars. You have officially earned my infamous "dork!" response for that last comment...
given only to those, of course, that I have the highest respect for :)
My recent post Seasons Change

lightchild
lightchild

FREAKING yeah! :) Thanks so much, bro. It's a great blessing to be able to put something personal like this out there, and have it connect and strike a chord with people.

lightchild
lightchild

Elaina, it is NOT just you. I pray that you can continue to find encouragement as you walk through this season.

lightchild
lightchild

You made a good point, Makeda. It does take new courage every day. New mercies and new courage for the challenges of each new day. Thank you for your kind encouragement.

Amy Nabors
Amy Nabors

Thank you sharing this. Rebuilding, retraining our minds, it's all a choice and sometimes a daily, hourly choice.

lightchild
lightchild

Thank you for the awesome encouragement, Lindsey! It really means a lot to me. God bless you!!

lightchild
lightchild

Thank you, Amy. I heard someone say recently that they are learning to trust God in 24-hour increments. I agree and added on that sometimes I have to trust him in 60-minute increments... daily and hourly, indeed!

lightchild
lightchild

God bless you, Mela. Thank you so much.

lightchild
lightchild

God bless you, Patty. Thank you for reading and commenting.

lightchild
lightchild

Jenny, as always, you are such a great encourager. Thank you so much for what you have shared here. Wait, I don't have any posts about "stripping." That must be Jason's blog. ;)

lightchild
lightchild

I understand that, Lindsey. I'll say a prayer for you. God will give you the wisdom you need. Thank you for the comment.

Justin and Trisha
Justin and Trisha

Bro...FREAKING awesome insight. Can totally tell the Holy Spirit lead you to take a scalpel to my heart. Thanks for your honesty and your willingness to lead the rebuilding process! I'm inspired to seek a rebuild.
My recent post The Seduction of the Stage

Makeda
Makeda

Grant, you have again left me speechless. You have written some really powerful words here tonight. Thank you for sharing these words. Choosing to rebuild is a daily choice and I'm finding the courage every day to take the limits off, quiet the naysayers voices in my head and let God do the work in me He is trying to accomplish. Thank you for leading so beautifully.

LIndsey @ A New Life
LIndsey @ A New Life

I'm back to say how much I love to see God working in someone....keep writing and keep sharing. You're shining His glory to all around you!

Blessings~
Lindsey
My recent post The In-Between

Elaina
Elaina

I am so in that place right now. It's not even funny, really. I don't go to Cross Point (don't even live in TN) but I listened to the sermons so far in this series and I can't believe how close to home they hit.

There's definitely a rebuild in progress in my life. After where I've come from, I'm grateful for that. But frankly, that doesn't make it easier.

I'm so glad to know it's not just me!
My recent post Jealous

aboynamedtracy
aboynamedtracy

It's too bad there isn't a button and simple button in life. It's definitely a lot more painful process in the real world!

Mela Kamin
Mela Kamin

masterful writing and insight ... bless you for investing in Him and for sharing the good work He's doing in you
My recent post What do teenagers know?

Patty
Patty

Speechless...

jennyrain
jennyrain

as soon as I saw the title and read the first sentence i knew you were going to go to town with the metaphor... dang bro, it is GOOD to see what God is up to in your heart and in your life. i LOVE it! It's exciting, engaging... it shows how magnificent God is and how creative He is... it reflects so much of His character... so neat to see... thanks for letting us in on glimpses of your journey - it is a blessing.

as i read the part about how you were hanging on the rebuild... i kept thinking of how computers work - you hang for awhile and them bada-boom bada-bing the whole process is finished in a blink. That is what happened in my life... I hung for months, and then in a six month period - God answered two ten year prayers - in an instant. Can't wait to see how God will be working in this season.

and as I watch the season my hubby is getting ready to step into... i can't tell you how reassuring it is to me to read your's and Jason W's posts about change, growth, stripping, rebuilding... i know that I know God will use them in my sweet husband's life too... so thanks in advance :)

eeeee! so exciting :) ok, I'm done :)
My recent post Seasons Change

LIndsey @ A New Life
LIndsey @ A New Life

"I could have kept going, knowing about the problem, but functioning a partial power. "

Oh boy. You just nailed it with that statement...I'm getting the feeling that the partial power I am functioning on is me.

Am I really ready to move forward? BIG step, and BIG decisions have to made.

Blessings,
Lindsey

Ani
Ani

How funny is this. Or not, it's how you see it. I just think God doesn't work in mysterious ways. He's not a mystery, He's reality so I believe because you know Him, you know His ways. I believe His ways are sometimes awkward, not what I want, I disagree (and than agree of course) and sometimes even His ways are funny. That is why I find this funny. Because this morning I've made a list of things I chose. I read a book for each day "Grace for the moment" by Max Lucado and there he made a list you can choose. So I did this morning.
I choose love instead of hate and bitterness,
I choose joy while my circumstances are not joyfull instead being cynical and see every problem as an opportunity to pray.
I choose peace and to forgive,
I choose patience instead of complaining that I have to wait so long for an answer.
I choose kindness, kindness to the poor, to the rich and the unkind,
I choose goodness and confess and not accuse or not earn money on an unfair way.
I choose faithfulness so they know they can trust me on my word,
I choose gentleness and raise only my voice to praise the Lord,
I choose selfcontrol and will only be drunk of joy and passionate for my faith.

I've heard years ago that waiting is biblical. After that time my period of waiting started. It was one of my toughest time but now I know it was good. I've learned in that period to thank Him in the valley. Whatever happens Lord, I will give thanks and praise to You
What my situation might be, I will give thanks and praise to You
Whatever my feelings are, I will give thanks and praise to You
Whatever the others do to me, I will give thanks and praise to You
For You are worthy all the honour, praise, thanks and glory
Amen

I must be a mess because I'm waiting again. Sometimes I think: "is there really more to break?" and than He breaks again. I've listened to a sermon of Justin Davis about Identity Crisis and it left me broken. I was broken and cried the whole day and night. But the next day I felt free and healed.

I love it when you add the definition of words. I just like to know everything. Nosy, curious. Don't know. I'm crazy. Okay, it's time to go off line. It's way bed time here. Bye bye. I lift you up in prayer. I pray He gives you a song in your heart. Singing lifts your spirit up and glorifies His name. I've learned singing is like praying twice. (I don't know if I explained it correctly, my English is maybe not that good enough).

His Girl
His Girl

All I can say is I am one emotional mess hiding behind my monitor at work right now. Emotions of relief. Emotions of release. Emotions of being freaked out right now cause I have read several blogs today including yours that were almost identical to conversations I had with others yesterday. I see the Holy Spirit teaching some of the same lessons RIGHT NOW to me and others I know. It's awesome and crazy to wrap your brain around. I need to run and get more tissue....

JasonWert
JasonWert

You're so good it makes me want to stop writing. Man, you bring power to the screen.
My recent post Chuck 'em

JuliaKate
JuliaKate

i chose the rebuild... and though there are definite portions of my life that i feel are taking FOREVER to rebuild, i am overwhelmed at how quickly my heart has recovered. i feel like the groundbreaking event was when i let go of the "invested idea" of who i was becoming, who i wanted to be with, how i wanted my future to look, what i expected God to do and grabbed hold of God, just God. not the God that can give me the dream, but the God that is the dream.
i will share this blog, because i believe in this message. it's definitely a message of freedom.

Lauren
Lauren

I like to think I can write. Then I read blogs like this. Grant, regardless, you hit the core today and I will be better for it.

lightchild
lightchild

I loved this, Ani. How beautiful. What we choose says much about where we are and where we are headed. Thank you once again for your prayers. They mean so much to me.

lightchild
lightchild

Praise God for His faithfulness, Carol. I love how God uses people and circumstances apart from us to speak to, encourage and remind us that He is in control. Hope you didn't run out of tissue. :)

His Girl
His Girl

But Jason I loved your latest post 'Chuck 'em'. It was creative but right on target. So thank you.

lightchild
lightchild

You're very kind, Jason. Way too kind. :) I really appreciate the encouragement, man.

philologus
philologus

looking forward to that post Grant.

lightchild
lightchild

"...not the God that can give me the dream, but the God that is the dream" LOVE THAT! Wow. There is a quote from Matt Chandler that I absolutely love, and will be blogging about soon, that says "Jesus is not a means to an end. He's the goal or you're an idolator." That pretty much says it all and shuts a lot of stuff all the way down.
Thanks for sharing your heart here Julia, as you always do so well. :)

lightchild
lightchild

That's a good thing, right? :) Thanks dude.

lightchild
lightchild

Wow, Lauren. Thank you for your kind words.

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