There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just say it. It’s time we go our separate ways. I’ve been feeling this way for some time now. To be honest, the last couple months have left me reeling, so wrapped up and lost in you that I’ve struggled to find my own voice. But when I woke up this morning, I knew today was the day and somehow, some way… I seem to have found it again.
I know there is nothing particularly magic about you being gone, just like there was really not anything particularly magic about when I met you. But oh, that’s not how it felt. I remember it like it was yesterday.
I’ll give it to you. You were a real charmer. With a gleam in your eye and your hand on your heart, you rode in on a white horse. Regal. Vigorous. Dynamic. Hopeful. Almost… magical. Promising something I now realize was never really yours to give. In an attempt to satiate my desire for adventure, you made a lot of grand promises. But they were counterfeit assurances. Though I was quickly enamored by the glimmer and grace in the hand you drew me on the floor to dance with, I failed to ask what was in the one behind your back.
Though it feels good to be rid of you, I’m still thankful for what you brought me. You introduced me to some new friends, exciting possibilities and brave new experiences. For that I thank you. You gave, but never without taking. Always the broker, your benevolence was transactional. It was a trade off. You also took a lot of people, sabotaged possibilities and compromised experiences.
You gave, but it was rationed. Suspiciously calculated. There was always just enough.
It was a wash. An even break. But zero wasn’t good enough for you. You had to go deeper. If only you knew the grief, struggle and strain you’ve brought me. And trying to pretend it didn’t hurt only made it worse. Some things are too big to hide behind a smile. So I’m done pretending.
You embraced me with one arm and punched me in the gut with the other. Leaving me breathless. Listless. Don’t get me wrong. I’m no victim. I chose to believe you. I chose to believe I actually was who you said I was. That I had to live with what you handed me. That I was no better than what had happened to me. That where I am is where I will be. Those were decisions I made. But today it stops. Today I take them back. Today.
Yesterday I still felt as if the joke was certainly on me. Today I do not. Today, all that is on me is grace. The grace to breathe again, to hope again, to dream again. The grace to shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake it off, shake it off.
Somehow I idolized you and ascribed you much more power in my life that you really have. Most days, I found myself just reaching for “better.” Somehow, I forgot that Jesus doesn’t promise to make all things better. He promises to make all things new. Somehow, in the hope for “better”, I stopped believing in “new”. Somehow I placed more value in your promises than in His. Somehow I forgot who I was. I know it’s not what you want to hear, but today… today I remembered.
“…Forgetting what is behind and reaching toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:13b-14
P.S. – We are never, ever, ever getting back together.